Hi! i'm just an ordinary christian dude who has passion in Architecture, Environmental sustainability, and Travelling Photography. Also hitting on events especially Conferences and having personal stands and philosophy in this blog. Currently 2nd year Bachelor in Architecture USM Penang, Malaysia. All opinions here are just 2 sens of mine and not in any offensive means. You could follow me at Facebook or Twitter =) Welcome and have a nice day ahead! God Bless.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Confrontation Principle -John C Maxwell

Everything you need to know about solving Confrontations
Why do i blog about this?
Some recent Events brought me to this conclusion, that i need to blog about this, with reference from John C Maxwell's Book " Winning With People". For the advantage of others who doesn't understand, Confrontation means something like a clash or collision of ideas from 2 or more parties. Owh well, and it does not cover only facts agreement but also more to personalities and people's values that you do not like of.
What About Conflict?
Some say Conflict is bad but the others say it's good. Well it's simple, whether you can solve it or not, If you solve it then you will realise both or more of you will understand each other more deeply, If not, yeap, things get worse till relationship is broken. Conflicts are Unavoidable of course, they are within us, Even people who isolates themselves from everyone and the world could create conflicts with just anything! Not someone! Like the movie 'Castaway' by Tom Hanks, argues with a Volleyball?
What is the Problem?
Conflicts are potential to draw people closer, True, but only when it is solved with a deeper understanding. I personally think it is because of us who dear being disliked or rejected, we fear the unknown results of it, we are not used to share our feelings, we fear that everything gets worse. How we handle Conflicts Determines Our Success in Tough Situation.
Harmful strategies of solving Conflicts
Win at all Costs
It's like Shootout at the OK Corral. It's quick, brutal, and destructive. It's the first impression you are about to give to everyone about the big fat ego word.
Pretend it Doesn't Exist
If you hear no Evil, See no evil and speak no Evil, Evil will not cease to exist. The problem will just continue to hunt you forever and even in your dreams.
Whine About it
Winners aren't Whiners. It just irritates everybody. It's like seeking attention and making it to a bigger matter. And rumours will start and the conclusion of it will draw to your whining attitude.
Pull Rank
Using position never really resolves conflict. It merely postpones it. I am quite confident that many of you face this situation before.
White Flag it
Quitting is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. See when the other problem arises and people will label you as coward.
The Truth about Handling Confrontations?
It's not complicated. It really matters on your maturity level i think. And Emotional Maturity I mean. Intellectually it's simple, but emotionally is the main factor why everyone withdraws themselves from taking the risk to improve matters over this. It all goes to your EQ skills again and the basic fundamentals of Relationship.
1. Confront a Person ONLY if You Care For the Person
This is pretty obvious. If you are not close or care for a person, why should you reachout to him and explain it? Just like a stranger saying your look sucks, owh well of course you will ignore it right? People should know that, when you are ready to confront someone, he should have the same kind of sense from you. And that makes things easier. ANd they are the person you care about!
2. Meet Together ASAP
The more you procrastinate to deal with it, the more negative statements and rumours, or i call it unnecceasy bad impressions will arise from nowhere. I have experienced it that's why. Puttin off confrontation only causes the situation to fester. The firt negative impression of yours of problem has planted into his Heart, and any tiny, small innocent actions of yours could be a big, hated part of him. It is just like the flowing water, you don't close the tap, the pile of water eventually will flow out from it, that is when the person bursts!
3. First Seek Understanding, Not Necessarily Agreement

The person who gives an opinion before he understands is human, BUT the person
who gives a judgement before understanding it is a fool.

Solving Confrontation takes time of course. You can sit down face to face talk about the problem of course, but the implication of it will be days. You don't have to rush for an agreement of both parties, you must understand his feelings first. Lincoln stated

"When i'm getting ready to reason with a man, i spend one third of my time
thinking about myself and what i am going to say- and two-thirds thinking about
him and what he is going to say"

4. Outline the Issue
When you speak, avoid from mentioning the conclusion of your point of discussion. Describe your perceptions first. Tell him personally how this makes you feel, express it clearly and without accusation. Explain why is it important to you! After a duration of conversation, of course a person wants to divert his opinion when he finds that something is a priority to you. The main thing is that you MUST make sure you don't verbally assault the person you're confronting.
5. Encourage a Response
Never Confront others without letting them respond. It's just like talking to the wall and getting nothing in the end. Politician Dean Rusk once said..

"One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears- by listening to

Sometimes by what people mention and response, it will help you to realize that your perceptions are actually the spark of the problem.Most of the time when you confront people, they will have an emotional reaction. And this could actually lead to another topic of conversation that will enhance the better understanding for both parties. No matter what, you should encourage them to give you a geniune response. Well one of the biggest problem i've faced. It's good to gather them and talk about it, the thing is that perhaps they could not take your words to a certain extend and ignore whatever you will say later on.
6. Agree to an Action Plan
Shake Hands. Well, part of the feelings "mission Accomplish" I bet you notice that actions are more impactful than words right, in this context, then it's action that has better memories. You shake hand, as a sign of agreement to solve the issue. Once he remembers the friendly discussion with you, not the words are the first to come of, but the actions. The shaking hand motion that will remind him how much you look forward or mean to it. Agreements as in, an agreement that both parties to put the issue in the past once resolved.
Successful confrontation usually changes both people, not just one. It's just like the proverbs 'Iron Sharpens Iron' Sooner both will be smooth enough to understand each other and have the similiar opinions of one another over time. It does not hurt relationships, but it actually strengthens the bond between the people. It all Starts with genuine concern for the other person. Abraham Lincoln Stated..

"If you could win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his
sincere friend and appreciate him.. dictate to his judgement, or to command his
actions, or to mark him as one to be shunned and despised, and he will retreat
within himself.. You shall no more be able to pierce him than to penetrate the
hardshell of a tortoise with a rye straw... "

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